We can’t tell you how many times we’ve been in the situation where, in that exact moment, we feel like we never want to talk to each other again.
Are we being dramatic? Yup. But when you’re angry and in the heat of the moment, you have irrational feelings that feel real, and it’s only later when you realize you’re being ridiculous and of course you want to talk to each other again because the bed would be awfully cold and lonely without him there. BUT IN THAT MOMENT.
When this happens, sometimes we’ll talk it out right then and there and see if we can get it settled. We’ll share our feelings (and try our best to use the model “when you __, I feel __; though it doesn’t always work out perfectly ;), talk about how we can improve going forward, yada yada yada. But other times, nothing works unless we give each other a little time. By time, we mean we leave each other alone and don’t talk for a few minutes. Like Elsa says, “It’s funny how some distance, makes everything seem small.” She has a point.
It’s in those moments, away from the face to face anger and initial urgency, that we have a chance to take a step back, evaluate ourselves and see why we’re actually upset. Are we angry because of what’s happening in the moment? Are we angry because of something they did a while back and we’re bringing it up again? Are we angry with ourselves because we’re too stubborn to admit when we’re wrong? Maybe it’s all of those things, maybe it’s just one, or maybe it’s none, but when you have that time apart to think and calm down, you get a lot done. Isn’t it weird how you can accomplish so much without raising your voice or sometimes, without talking at all?
When we’ve had enough space to ourselves to chill out, most of the time we forget what we were so angry about in the first place (if it’s not a big issue, like what we say to each other when we’re hangry) and resume our day like nothing ever happened.
But what about when it’s more serious than hanger? We’ve both done and said things to each other that we wish we could take back, things that hurt more than the five minutes it would normally take to forgive and forget. In those situations, not only do we need a lot of time, we need discussion and understanding and patience and forgiveness more than ever. The wounds that come from the person you love almost always take longer to heal, and hurt worse, than anything else. But once enough time has passed, and the initial pain has started to lift, and the “I’m sorry’s” have been said enough that they’re finally starting to do their job, you start to feel better and then one day, you wake up and you’re just…good. Everything’s good again.
This may not be the case in every painful situation, but in most cases, we’ve found that over time, the pain becomes more manageable. You have to want to get over it, and it not only takes time, but work as well. Lots and lots of inner work and it will be hard and it will be painful and it will take a lot out of you, but we’ve found it’s always be worth it. You may have a horrible break up, a terrible divorce, lose out on the job you’ve been working so hard for, have a friendship deteriorate, lose a loved one, etc. Whatever it is you’re going through, it’s good to remember to give yourself the time and space to grieve, and know that in time (and especially what you do with that time), it may just hurt a little less.