10 Things We've Learned from 10 Years of Marriage

Today marks ten years since PJ and I stood in the living room of the house we were renovating, and in front of 12 or so family and friends, and we said “I do.” A decade later, we’ve renovated my childhood home, raised three kids, built a farm with almost 100 animals, and collected a million tiny moments that make up a life together; the ordinary and the extraordinary, the easy and the hard.

To mark this milestone, I thought it would be fun to look back on what we’ve learned over there years. Here are ten things that come to mind:

1. Love changes, and that’s a good thing.
The way we loved each other at 24 isn’t the same as how we love each other now, and thank goodness for that. Marriage grows with you. It softens, deepens, and stretches to fit new seasons of life. Things we would get angry about a decade ago don’t even bother us now. The key is growing together, knowing each other will change, and navigate life accordingly.

2. Kindness wins every argument.
You can be right, or you can be kind. We’ve learned that kindness, even in the middle of a disagreement, gets you a lot further than keeping score. Not that it’s about winning, but absolutely no one wins when you keep score.

3. The small things are the big things.
Bringing each other coffee in the morning. Texting “made it home safe.” Folding laundry when the other one’s tired. Making the bed because you know they love walking in and seeing that sight. It’s rarely grand gestures that hold a marriage together. It’s the daily ones.

4. Date nights don’t have to be fancy.
Some of our best dates have been takeout on the couch while watching our favorite show after the kids are asleep. Marriage doesn’t need constant fireworks; sometimes it just needs uninterrupted conversation and a shared bottle of wine.

5. Laughter really is medicine.
There’s something about finding the humor in everyday chaos of kids, work, and renovations that keeps you connected. If you can laugh together, you can survive just about anything. PJ makes me laugh about a hundred times a day and I really believe it helps in just about every way.

6. You don’t fall out of love, you just forget to notice it.
There are seasons when love feels easy and seasons when it feels like work. But more often than not, it’s still there, quiet and steady, waiting for you to slow down long enough to see it again. Give yourself and your spouse some grace.

7. Make space for each other’s dreams.
Marriage isn’t about merging into one person. It’s about cheering each other on, even when those dreams take you down separate paths for a while.

8. Apologies don’t make you weak.
Saying “I’m sorry” even when it’s for something small, is one of the most powerful ways to keep your heart soft toward each other. And this applies to every relationship in your life, not just your romantic one. I make a point to tell my kids sorry whenever I mess up to let them know it’s okay to say it, and even encourage it. It helps more than you realize.

9. You have to choose each other over and over again.
Every day. In the middle of stress, busyness, and exhaustion, marriage is the quiet act of choosing the same person again and again.

10. Home isn’t a place. It’s a person.
After ten years, moves, kids, and a thousand to-do lists, we’ve learned that home isn’t about where we live, it’s who we live it with.

And so, 10 years ago today, we stood in the living room of the house we were renovating in front of 12 or so family and friends, and said “I do.”

And then we said it again. And again. And again. And again.

Every time we fight and say things we wished we wouldn’t, but tell each other we’re sorry afterwards, we say “I do.”

When things get rough and we’re not sure what will happen next, but we stay and work through it together, we say “I do.”

When we go to bed every night beside each other and wake up just the same, we say “I do.”

When we decided to become parents and start a family, knowing it’s the most important thing in the world to us, we said “I do.”

When he makes extra coffee in the middle of the day because he knows I’ll want a cup too, or when I help him pop his back because it’s acting up again, we’re saying “I do.”

And for the last 15 years, every day that we choose each other, we’re saying “I do,” and most of the time it’s not even with words. But somehow, that’s when “I do” always sounds the loudest.