Should We Stop Telling Our Kids We’re Proud of Them? (And What to Say Instead)

The other day, my mom told me something I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.

We were talking about how we praise our kids- those moments when they accomplish something big or even just make it through a hard day, and how much it means to us (and them!) to let them know how proud we are of them.

She mentioned that, instead of saying, “I’m proud of you,” we should start saying, “You should be proud of yourself.” At first, it seemed like a small change, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. It’s a reminder that confidence and self-worth are best built from within.

In our family, we want our kids to know that they don’t need anyone else’s approval to feel good about themselves. As we talked, I dug into some research and found this small shift in words actually has roots in psychology.

Stanford psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck, who’s well-known for her work on the growth mindset, says that people, especially kids, benefit when we focus our praise on their effort and personal reflection, rather than just the outcome. When we tell someone to feel proud of themselves, we’re teaching them to take ownership of their actions and accomplishments. And that lesson, that their own opinion of their effort matters, is one they’ll carry with them.

Here’s why it matters:

It Builds Inner Confidence. Research shows that internal motivation—being proud of your own hard work or bravery—often has more lasting impact than praise from others. Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, who works with families, suggests that encouraging self-pride rather than always stepping in with “I’m proud of you” helps kids (and adults!) build a sense of self that doesn’t rely on external validation. This way, they can feel confident in themselves even when no one is watching.

It Fosters a Growth Mindset. Dr. Jennifer Henderlong Corpus, a professor of psychology at Reed College, explains that children who are praised for their effort and process develop more resilience and motivation. When we say, “You should be proud of yourself,” we’re encouraging that growth mindset. It shifts the focus from a fixed sense of accomplishment to the idea that they can tackle any new challenge because they’re capable, resourceful, and determined.

It Encourages Reflection and Independence. When we stop to say, “Wow, you must be so proud of what you accomplished,” we’re allowing them to take stock of their own hard work. Alfie Kohn, who wrote Punished by Rewards, points out that when kids grow up relying solely on outside praise, they might struggle with confidence when it’s not readily available. This approach can give them a sense of independence in their self-worth.

How We’re Using This in Our Own Family

As parents, we want our kids to feel solid in who they are and proud of the efforts they put in. Now, we’re trying to shift our language. After a big achievement, instead of “I’m so proud of you,” we might say, “You should feel proud of yourself for all the work you put in!” Or we’ll ask, “How do you feel about what you did?” We still plan to tell our children we are proud of them, so we’re not getting rid of that language completely, but we’ve started shifting between the two so they get a little bit of both.

It’s a small change, but one that will hopefully make a difference in how our kids talk about their accomplishments. And honestly, it’s made me think about what it means to be proud of myself, too. It’s a reminder that pride isn’t just about praise from others—it’s a confidence that comes from within.

So next time someone close to you does something amazing, consider telling them they should feel proud. It’s a way of saying, “You did this, and that means something.”