“Almost All of My Friends Have a Mom and a Dad”
On the way to the dentist a few weeks ago, our middle son, seemingly out of nowhere, said the above statement.
Talking to the kids about the fact that they have two dads instead of a mom and a dad, or just a mom or just a dad, has become a frequent occurrence in the last couple of months. They’re getting older and starting to understand and become aware of more things, especially because of being in school and sports. We held off for a long time talking to them about the fact that they’re being raised by two men, only because we were focused on other things and our sexual orientation was the last thing on our minds, but it’s getting to the point where there’s no escaping it.
And I love it.
I love it because kids are so damn understanding. They are innately accepting, and never once question if having gay dads is right or wrong. They do, however, from time to time, ask why no one else in their class has two dads.
We always tell them that all families look different in so many ways. Some families have just one mom (and that’s the part when I remind them how my siblings and I were raised by my mom only), some have just a dad, some have two moms, some just have grandparents or aunts and uncles. We stress that it doesn’t matter how a family comes together, only that it’s filled with love.
And they get it.
They fully understand it. Why is it that children understand something as simple as love but we as adults have a hard time comprehending it?
When we tell them this, they usually just shrug, smile, and say okay. There’s no longing for a different type of family or a wish of a different kind of parent. I think that’s because they realize nothing is missing from the family we’ve created. They’re not getting any kind of short end of the stick. They know how loved, appreciated, and safe they are and that’s enough for them.
Lately when they bring up the fact that they have two dads, it’s always casually and more of a letting-you-know type of thing, never in a complaining or sad way. I think they’re just finally getting older and getting to the age where they’re starting to notice things that make them different from other kids, like we all did at that time in our lives. Allan doesn’t like his two front teeth. Riah likes his hair a very specific way. They’re seeing themselves as other people see them, which I wish we could make stop, but we’re all human and go through the same feelings and phases of life, don’t we? Noticing your family looks different than your friends at school is just a part of growing up. For me, growing up, it was how everyone’s dad was there for them except mine and how we always had so much less money than all my friends.
Different does not equal bad, it is just another part of your story. They don’t question our love for them, and they don’t question the structure or discipline we give them or their bedtime or the weekend activities we plan or the routine we have created for our family, and that’s because they know we’re a family and they know what to expect from us. It’s like breathing.
I’m excited to see them grow and navigate life and handle certain situations, because I know there will come a time when someone does say something mean and hurtful to them about the fact that they have two dads. All we can do until then is prepare them for the worst but always hope for the best. I know some of their friends have already asked if they have two dads and our kids always just say yup, and their friends just say oh, okay, and move on. That gives me hope.
What we want our kids to know is that the kind of family you were raised in doesn’t truly matter when it’s all said and done. What matters is the love, safety and comfort they feel from it. And with that, our family is doing just fine.
